This is HARD!

Lucy likes routine. She likes things to happen the same way every time or be given lots of preparation in advance. She needs to talk about things, ask lots of questions and be reminded lots of times in order to move through a new experience fairly smoothly. As she is getting older, we are noticing that she is capable of creating lots of anxiety during the waiting moments.

She attends preschool a couple mornings a week and started last September. It has been a somewhat rough few months. Mostly good but we still have to do lots of reminding before the school day and she will cry and say she doesn't want to go all morning even while getting ready. And as long as I don't feed into her anxiety, and just say, "I know, I heard you." then she is ready and excited by the time we leave. But this is our routine. It's getting shorter but it can still be exhausting.

Up until this past week, when I picked her up, I had to wait in the play yard because she was so engrossed in the sand. She never wanted to leave when I came. Something has changed. School was closed for a week and then she was sick for another couple days so there was a 2 week break in there. The past two pick ups, she has been waiting for me on the playground, crying. Today she was standing at the fence and told her teacher that she was scared that I wouldn't come back. This is horribly sad.

Yesterday, she screamed when I left. I tried to get her engaged but her teacher still had to pry her arms off of me and I guess she was on the edge all morning. She was glued to her teacher's side.

When I get there, she grabs me with such force. It's obvious her fear is real. She quickly calms down but it is so painful to see her that way. She is my super confident, brave little girl.

Now I realize there are some practical steps that might make things easier, like going more often although they don't have space right now. And I know enough about the rhythm of the day for children in preschool to know that she is probably very engaged throughout the day. The teachers even say so. It doesn't matter. It still hurts.

And I also have enough knowledge to know that when Lucy doesn't have a strong connection with the people around her, she can rally for a while but then falls apart. She is not an independent soul. Even though she can be quite happy playing and exploring by herself, she needs to feel connected to others around her. And I continue to have doubts about her relationships at the school. Probably because they aren't great at creating relationships with the parents. They aren't great at sharing what is happening with the kids. So I transfer the discomfort that I have to her.

So there you have it. No real answers or conclusions. Just declaring that this is hard. I know there are life skills to be learned here by both of us but it is just hard.

On a positive note, we interviewed a babysitter yesterday who comes highly recommended. Lucy was thrilled to show her around. We're going to have her come once a week so I can do some work. Then we'll be able to transition to a date night. Holy cow!!! We might actually get some alone time. I hope this transition goes better.